Friday, June 10, 2011

top 10 favorite bad words for practical use

1.  Butthole (n.) - I’m a big fan of butt-hole because I’ve known it for so long.  I’ve been using butthole for as long as I can  remember saying bad words.  Legend has it that my first cuss word was “dammit” when I was 21 months old but butthole is the first one I can really remember using.  It’s so elementary yet so satisfying.  It can be so innocent or incredibly graphic.  For instance, you could say, “I can’t stand Jack; he’s such a butthole,” or you could say, “My car just broke down; this sucks a butthole,” which is way more graphic.  While there are more versatile curses, you just can’t beat the butthole for its simplicity.

2.  Dickhole (n.) – The dickhole is awesome for all the reasons that the butthole isn’t.  It’s just plain gross no matter what.  It only makes you think of one thing and that one thing is the hole at the end of a dick.  That being said, I use the dickhole in many different ways.  I use it as an interjection at times as in “Dickhole!  I dropped my keys in the toilet.”  I also use it, surprisingly enough, in the same way that I use the butthole as in, “This sucks a dickhole,” which, no matter how angry I am when I utter it, never fails to make me laugh.  I rarely, however, call anyone a dickhole unless I am feeling especially derisive.

3.  Fuckholes (n. plural OR interjection) – Yes, I almost always use more than one fuckhole at the same time.  Perhaps what I mean to say is that I always use fuckhole in the plural and that’s because I only use fuckholes for one purpose which is anger.  Fuckholes is reserved for the worst of times like traffic, toe-stubbing, or paper cuts.  That being said, fuckholes is often combined with other words, even other fuckwords.  Fuckholes love company.  You might use fuckholes something like this:  “Traffic will be at a dead stop for the next 4 hours and there are no fucking exits for 100 miles.  Goddamn fucking fuckholes!”  Fuckholes feels good when you need to blow off some steam.

4.  Buttfucking (adj. OR adv. OR intefix) – Buttfucking is great.  It still really hasn’t become mainstream despite the fact that I use it all the time. However, I’ve never heard anyone else use it so maybe that explains it.  Buttfucking is pretty unique as a bad word because it is most useful as an interfix in much the same way that fucking is used in the phrase “fan-fucking-tastic.”  Buttfucking can be used in a more normal way by simply making  it an adverb.  I enjoy buttfucking most when I mix it with physical descriptions as in “That building is buttfucking ugly,” or when I mix it with religion as in “Jesus buttfucking Christ.”

5.  Fuckstick (n.) – Fuckstick is simple yet hilarious.  I love a good fuckstick for the same reason I love a good douche variation.  Douche and fuckstick are pretty much interchangeable when it comes to meaning but fuckstick is just so much more hurtful.  Douche has become so widely used that it has lost some of its bite.  Fuckstick still hurts.

6.  Cock (n.) - I don’t think I like cock for the same reasons that other people like cock.  Other people like cock because it’s dirty.  I like cock because I like the way it sounds.  I’m pretty sure cock is so great because it requires you to employ a good glottal stop.  Cock just feels hard in your throat as you say it and it gets better when you make it louder.  It’s just awesome to scream cock.  For this reason, I usually reserve cock for when I’m angry or I want to appear angry.  So after missing the bus I might scream “Cock!” and my stress is instantly reduced.  I definitely recommend using cock as a stress reliever.

7.  Balls (n. plural OR interjection) – You never really use just one ball.  You always want to bring both balls into the picture.  One ball just leaves a bad taste in your mouth.  Balls, much like butthole, has become so mainstream that it is often used on television without many people batting an eye.  This is both great and unfortunate.  I love hearing people like Stephen Colbert employ any phrase involving balls; he draws it out and really emphasizes the otherwise subtle vowel sound.  Of course balls gets much of its heft from the bilabial plosive preceding the vowel sound.  But I really hate it when bad words are no longer bad and balls is going in that direction.

8.  Goddammit (interjection) - This one will never go out of style.  It’s hard, abrasive, and powerful.  Enough said.

9.  Fuck (n. OR v.) - Fuck is one of the best because it is still relatively bad (while now overshadowed by cunt and others) and because it is easily the most versatile of the bad words.

10.  Shit (n. OR v.) - I’m not sure there’s anything more satisfying than a good shit.  It’s so classic and, to many people, just plain necessary.  It’s incredibly mainstream but still bad enough that you wouldn’t say it in front of your grandma like you would with damn or butthole.  Shit is also one of my favorites because, like butthole, I’ve been using it since I was a kid.  It’s one of the first words I can remember learning and knowing that I had to hide that knowledge from my parents.  Shit is a killer bad word and I hope people never stop using it.

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